Today I executed an evil man and did it slowly, relishing every moment of his terror.
Today, I met an important person disguised as a bum caught in the freezing weather.
Today, I discovered that dreams of belonging somewhere and of being someone important do not die easily.
Today, I got back to writing. And that is where I belong.
While I would never have said it this directly, I’ve always thought of myself as invincible. Not as in dodging bullets or stopping speeding trains, but I thought there was nothing in normal life that could harm me. I believed there were no obstacles to my personal well-being I couldn’t overcome by sheer force of will. I was wrong.
For the past six months, I have struggled in my relationship with a friend. Our interactions left me feeling bad about myself. But he wasn’t trying to do this and so I thought I simply needed to control my reaction and asked that he alter how he spoke to me. Neither worked, of course. Kryptonite cannot stop being kryptonite any more than Superman can stop being vulnerable to it. And that is the realization for which I am grateful today.
Kryptonite exists and I cannot will myself to survive it. Sometimes the only solution is to walk away. And so, my friend and I no longer speak. I wish it were different, but it isn’t and I have to accept that. Having been away from my Kryptonite for a few weeks now, the joy is returning to my writing – and laughter will soon follow. Sometimes the only way to win the battle is not to fight it, and I am grateful for having learned this lesson before it destroyed me.
Recently, someone told me I think too much and should stop. I’m not able to do that, but even if I could, I wouldn’t because of a conversation I had during my senior year in college.
I was at a professor’s house with an incredibly intelligent fellow senior. She and I were speculating on how much easier life would be if we were dumb and didn’t think so much. The professor, Ron Santoni, promptly chastised us on both intellectual and spiritual levels. For all our claimed intellectual prowess, he told us, we failed to see that the issues others face each day were at least as difficult for and important to them as the ones we considered were for us. His spiritual argument was a bit more forceful – essentially, “How dare we scoff at the gift God has given us.” He was right to correct us.
I doubt I will ever understand why I am compelled to examine human behavior for what makes individuals tick. I admit the constant search is not always pleasurable, particularly at those times when I’m isolated and turn the analysis inward on myself. But at the same time, I believe it is important to understand people and how their needs and fears show through whatever role they are playing. I have been blessed with a brain that seems particularly suited for those thoughts, analyses, and observations.
Ron Santoni was right – it is a wonderful gift that should not be wished away.+96+———–
I started my adult life in ignorance. I didn’t know how to be an adult and found myself in a world of business and law, where being taken seriously was of utmost importance. I foundered cluelessly. In my first performance review, I was told I smiled too much. I didn’t know what to do and so I faked it. I imitated a guy I worked with who was upbeat but always managed to get his point across. My life became a series of “What would Mike do?” moments.
At some point, it occurred to me that maybe that’s all anyone was doing – feigning confidence and comprehension. Yet I was pretty sure some people believed the lie and in time, as the role became more comfortable, so did I. I liked having the answers, being certain of what to do next, understanding everything. It made me feel powerful and important.
When I left my legal career behind, it was disorienting to find those things no longer mattered. But instead of sinking back into the depths of confused ignorance, I found myself in a place of wonder. Now, I see the magic of a snowy morning without planning around it or analyzing when it will be gone. Now, I talk to people and experience their joys and sorrows without considering how to leverage them. I will never understand all the intricacies of this life nor any hidden meaning behind it. But that’s okay – I wasn’t meant to understand. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy.
I despise money. It ties my head in knots when I even think about the stuff. Despite that, I had a conversation with some non-writer friends this week that made me realize just how grateful I am for the stuff.
The premise of the conversation was that, as a society, we use money to evaluate a person’s worth. Being a relatively new and unknown author, not only don’t I make a lot of money, but the temporal and causal disconnect between the act of writing and receiving money is huge. And so, when I look at my writing, I have to find other measures of value for the endeavor to feel worthwhile. One person in the conversation agreed that money isn’t an accurate reflection of value, while the other suggested I look into various paying part-time positions so that I would feel worthwhile. For her, money was a reflection of value. And as it turns out, all of us were right.
Money is what we use to obtain those things that are necessary for life and comfort. Money procures housing, heat, clean water, electricity, internet, electronic communication tools, food, etc. – the necessities of modern life. Money is very important to us for that reason. If you are doing an activity that neither directly provides for your family nor is paying money with which to support your family, then what good are you? As long as your family is in need of money for the necessities, money DOES reflect the value of your activity.
But what about when you aren’t in need of money for the necessities? I live a modest life and am by no means rich. A house burglar would find nothing to fence but a couple of aging computers. But we have enough to provide for our necessities for the foreseeable future. When we reached that point, money became meaningless to me. I couldn’t stand the thought of working harder and harder at a job I didn’t enjoy in order to keep making more and more money that I could get by without. And so I left my illustrious career as a health care lawyer in order to write full-time – to pursue value that was not measured in money.
Some say that I earned this opportunity because I worked hard and saved money, but I know it was chance as much as anything else. I am fortunate to pursue my passion rather than pursuing money, but it is only because of money that I am here. And so to that money – stuff providing the necessities – I am very grateful.