I started my adult life in ignorance. I didn’t know how to be an adult and found myself in a world of business and law, where being taken seriously was of utmost importance. I foundered cluelessly. In my first performance review, I was told I smiled too much. I didn’t know what to do and so I faked it. I imitated a guy I worked with who was upbeat but always managed to get his point across. My life became a series of “What would Mike do?” moments.
At some point, it occurred to me that maybe that’s all anyone was doing – feigning confidence and comprehension. Yet I was pretty sure some people believed the lie and in time, as the role became more comfortable, so did I. I liked having the answers, being certain of what to do next, understanding everything. It made me feel powerful and important.
When I left my legal career behind, it was disorienting to find those things no longer mattered. But instead of sinking back into the depths of confused ignorance, I found myself in a place of wonder. Now, I see the magic of a snowy morning without planning around it or analyzing when it will be gone. Now, I talk to people and experience their joys and sorrows without considering how to leverage them. I will never understand all the intricacies of this life nor any hidden meaning behind it. But that’s okay – I wasn’t meant to understand. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy.