The Great Sandwich Conspiracy, or I Need Instructions for THAT!?!

Has anyone else noticed that lunch-meat packages now include instructions on how to make a sandwich?  I won’t pick on a brand, because its on most of them.  Do people really need help to figure out how to slap some shaved ham and a piece of cheese between two slices of bread, or is there some liability concern over the improper use of meat slices? But if its the latter, then shouldn’t the instructions be how to eat the lunch-meat, not how to prepare it?

Cut quarter-sized section of product using teeth or clean utensils (either metal or plastic). Place section in mouth. Raise jaws up and down to bring teeth together and repeat until the texture of the section becomes a lumpy paste. Press tongue to the roof of mouth, hold breath and swallow.

I haven’t seen these lines appear on any packages yet, so I can only conclude the reason for the sandwich-making directions is not fear of someone eating it incorrectly. So why are they there?


All of the instructions, from the simple ham and swiss to the more elaborate peppered turkey with cream cheese and cranberry sauce, include other ingredients. Even a quick examination of these dagwood-to-be components reveal one common characteristic: they have flavor. That must be the reason they are included. Aha! Now the reason for the sandwich-making instructions become clear. It is a conspiracy – a concerted the industry-wide effort to hide the fact that packaged lunch-meat has no taste!

What happened to the savory flavor of turkey? Why does what should be smokey, salty ham have a nearly identical flavor?  Why does a soy burger in my mouth taste more like chicken than slices of the real stuff?  There’s only one answer – they must not be real! The lunch-meat industry is hiding from us what their processed, packaged products are actually made of… Controlling us through the simple messages on the packaging. OMG!! You know what that means!?!


…oh nevermind. I get a bit paranoid when I’m hungry.  This ham and swiss sandwich is great.  Good thing I had instructions on how to make it.