I’m glad I’m not a man in today’s society.  That might sound strange coming from a person who, in the early days of her legal career, was ordered to get coffee by a judge she was appearing before.  Trust me, I’m not saying my gender didn’t create obstacles for me, some of which were quite offensive.  There was the time my male boss attempted to check us into a single (one bed) hotel room on a business trip.  He claimed the client couldn’t afford for us to have two rooms.  I laughed it off, telling him it was okay – he could sleep in the car.  Suddenly, two rooms were not a problem.

It was hard being a woman  trying to make my way in a male-dominated profession.  A lot of things went on that robbed professional women of the respect of others and sometimes of their own dignity.  From the perspective of the work that needed to be accomplished, the “traditional” ways failed to take advantage of the different tools and approaches a woman could bring to bear.

As an aside, that reminds me of a negotiation training I had as a young lawyer. The crotchety old man teaching the class told us we had to be tough in face-to-face negotiations.  He instructed us to lean back in our chairs, planting our feet wide apart in a battle stance.  I’m pretty sure that a woman lying back in a chair with her legs spread sends a very different message.  To him, of course, that was just further proof that women could not be good lawyers. He would have never understood the approach commonly used today of acknowledging the other side’s needs and desires. then explaining why a certain result is better for everyone involved.

But that brings me back to my original topic.  What women had to endure to be successful was unacceptable.  We worked hard to be treated as equals but, as I look around today, I am concerned we have overshot our goal.  That is, particularly in the workplace, we devalue and dismiss the male attributes and approaches.  After eons of biological and social demands to be strong, aggressive, and fiercely protective (whether physically or financially), we not tell men we don’t need those traits.  I’ve been watching this phenomenon grow for the past ten or fifteen years, and this morning, I saw an article on it.  http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/margaret-wente/what-if-women-dont-need-guys-any-more/article2379821/ The fact is, we’ve left our men rudderless.

Now, some of the effects of women’s rise in the work force benefit men.  My husband may be the first to tell you this. With the stability of my income, he’s been able to explore some different careers until finding work that he loves.  Under the “traditional” system, he’d been directed toward getting an MBA and becoming some large corporate executive.  He frequently tells me that he’d be dead today if he’d taken that path, so he’s more than thrilled that he had the opportunity to do something else.

But it is hard for men today.  So many parts of our society now say that men are not important.  When my son was in middle school, I looked for summer programs that focused on science or math or technology.  I found many – most of them exclusively for girls.  And today, men must  be constantly on guard in the workplace to avoid any actions, fleeting facial expressions, or innocent comments that could be interpreted by anyone as being offensive.  I know a man who was accused of sexual harassment by a woman who was offended that he  smiled slightly more often around women who were more attractive than she was. He got off with a warning, and now isn’t sure what to do at work, since the behavior was not intentional or even conscious.  In fact, no one knows if the behavior was actually occurring – simply that the complainant was offended by her perception.  She, and most women, have the ability to destroy a man’s career simply by their words.

And, while my husband is lucky in having found work he finds fulfilling, I know many men who are simply lost in figuring out what to do with their lives.  They were raised knowing that their role in society was to financially support their families.  Now, they find themselves with wives who are the primary breadwinners.  They find their self-esteem sinking as they take their kids to play dates with stay-at-home moms whom the professional women look down upon. These men look at the expanse of job options for themselves, and don’t know how to choose – since their programmed criteria of what will support their family the best is no longer relevant.  Some figure it out.  Some struggle, bouncing from job to job, or drinking, or drugging.  They begin to resemble to bored and unchallenged empty-nester housewives of the Seventies.

I hope this trend reverses and we find some middle ground – a place where everyone is valued for their different strengths. A place where everyone is considered equal but not the same.  A place where biological demands and social expectations can both be accommodated.  But having that nurturing female tendency, I fear for my husband, my son, and my male friends.  We have put them in a box that is at least as wrong and offensive as the one I was in at the outset of my career.

Glad I’m not a man.